Monkeys… those little creatures from who we are supposed to have evolved from. Oh! they mislead us so. We think they are so cute, so adorable, so coochi coooishly loving. We see them at the zoo climbing wall and planted trees. Shoo cute! we think. But I swear they have evil, devious minds inside that cute little head of theirs. We think that all they want from us are bananas and love, but they have an ulterior motive I swear!! <though I’m not sure what> Anyway my brother and I were at Haridwar. It’s a Hindu pilgrim site in India, where the Kumbh Mela happens and people get trampled and die.
Anyway when people aren’t getting trampled there, it is actually a beautiful place. My brother and I were waiting behind a huge HUGE statue of Lord Shiva for the evening aarti <it’s a Hindu prayer ceremony>. Calmly we watched the deep, gentle looking flow of the Ganges musing on which restaurant to eat dinner at and other consequential issues of vast importance.
When suddenly about twenty monkeys surrounded us. They circled us like thugs about to do mean, unspeakable crimes.I was shit scared.And together, as if an inaudible conchshell had signaled the beginning of an attack they sprang forward. With undeniable grace and elegance the proceeded to run right into us. They climbed up and down our bodies as if looking for hidden valuables. Poking their hand inside my shirt. I actually had creepy, hairy monkey hands feeling up my boobs!! The first time somebody went second base with me it was a monkey, I really need to tell my grand kids this.
I turn around screaming my lungs out, wondering how come nobody has told me how to handle a situation like this. What is the school teaching me anyway? Then suddenly I turn around to find a tiny, adorable baby monkey hugging on to my brother’s leg. Choo cute my ‘monkeys are cute’ mindset thinks. But then it bares it’s fangs and takes a large luscious bite of my brother’s leg. His scream becomes higher than the Mt. Everest and his voice returns to it’s pre breaking pitch. The monkey has managed to reverse the powers of puberty.
And as suddenly and unitedly as it began, it ended. The monkeys have yet again formed a circle around us and poof! they disappear. We are left shocked and completely in awe of the Hanuman.