I’m not a very nice person.
Things like kindness, love, laughter.. they don’t come naturally to me. It never has, even as a kid.
I’m not very sure why.
I didn’t start laughing till I was elven years old. I had no sense of humour. My main emotion was anger. I could get so angry!
When I was thirteen, I realised I didn’t necessarily love my parents or my siblings. I liked them well enough, but I didnt feel love or care for them, or for that matter, for anyone in my life. I was terrified. I spent hours praying that night, asking God to help me love people. Now I do love them. Be cause I consciously decided I loved them and worked on it.
Everytime I laugh or be happy, it’s because I trained my self to. When I hear a joke I tell my self that it is a joke and that I should laugh. The days I’m happy it’s because I tell my self to be happy. My default mood is anger or grumpyness.
It’s so hard to control my anger. Everyday I make choices to not do mean, almost evil things to people, knowing that though I wouldn’t have much trouble sleeping afterwards, I would be an absolute fucking bitch. Everyday, I make that choice so many times, to not be that person it would be easier to be. Because, I know, if I make that choice even once, there would be no turning back.
So, right now I’m working on being kind. On doing things for people even when there is no personal gain. So if you have any ideas or tips on achieving that please comment and tell me?